I've been reading a book called A Witch's Guide to Letting Go and Flying Free. It's about getting over the past and healing from trauma. I haven't got very far into it. The author, Velma Shrink, is very fond of lists. She has you make lists of the things that have hindered you in the past, and the things you're proudest of, and the things you regret, and the people who have influenced you, and the people you miss most… Loads of lists. So I suppose I'll start making my lists here, since it is a diary.

Things that have hindered me

1. My feelings for Harry. Yes, they're really gone. But they did hinder me.
   
2. My relationship with Draco.
   
3. Losing Mum.
   
4. Ron's Kiss.
   
5. Finding Andromeda Tonks like that.
   
6. That bastard who possessed me.
   
7. That other bastard who possessed me.
   
8. Washing out of Healer training.
   
9. The war, but I’m not sure that counts since that hindered everyone.
   
10. Not liking my job much these days.
    

When I list it like that, it doesn't seem like so much. Shrink says you need to have a sense of humour about your trials. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm not going to go about joking about Dementors or possession, that's just tacky. I don't think she's talking about the kind of humour the twins prefer, but I don't really know what she means, exactly. I don't think I have a sense of humour about my trials.

She says you ought to talk to your friends and trusted family members. I'm not even sure who those are anymore, besides Neville, and Tonks. I haven't spoken with Harry or Hermione in a long time. I haven't seen Lavender in quite a while, either. I need to work harder at repairing some of my relationships. I need a direction, and I need friends and family, and I have to make an effort. I have to at least try.

It's Done
                                  Broken
                  This is the time everything gets better, right?
                                                               Hope he finds

Right?



Right?

No time
No stopping

If I stand still I remember. And I can't remember.

Need to pretend.

I feel like a part of me is broken, and I don't know how to fix it, so I'm trying my best to ignore it. It only hurts when I think about it, so I don't. I don't think. I don't feel. I don't react. I move through the motions of the day. I think Rebbecca knows. Gabby's too busy to notice, which I'm thankful for. If she knew... I don't think she'd keep me. I wouldn't keep me if I knew.

It's easier this way, but so much harder at the same time. How can one thing save my heart and break it at the same time? It doesn't seem right, but I don't know what else to do. I can't

It'll get easier. It has to get easier.

can't  hurt too  chest tight  breathe  stop   not again can't  not  too  weak  how

no                          couldn't

                                                                           help
          able

not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again

broken
                                                 break     

                                           stop           

                                                                                                                   nonono   

I'm happy.

I didn't think I'd be able to be happy, less than a year after what happened to Mum, but there it is.

He makes me happy. Harry makes Luna happy, which makes me happy. My family is happy. I have a good job. I enjoy going there.

I'm dreaming. I know it. I don't want to say anything else, because I'll jinx it. It always gets jinxed.

But I can't help it. I'm actually happy.

I hope he knows it's mostly because of him.

He knows.

He knows, right?

Greg and Millicent's wedding was beautiful. They both looked so happy. Maybe it's catching.

The last page of this journal has been ripped out and burned. I was weak. Sickeningly so. It was rather cathartic to burn it in the fireplace at Orchard's Gate. New house. New start.

"Moved" back come today. Draco seemed a little upset to see me go, which warmed and scared me at the same time. There were so many silences where I was sure one of us was going to say something and I swore my heart would stop. How soon is too soon?

My bed is comfortable. I really can't remember the last time I slept there.

No. I do. I'm just trying to block it out of my memory.

Harry's birthday is tomorrow. I need to send him an owl.

My birthday's in a couple of weeks. It'll be the first one without Mum. I don't think I'm even going to mention it to anyone. I don't know if I want to even celebrate it.

Work is tomorrow. And the day after. And the day after. I'm getting tired, exhausted. I need a break.

Draco’s finally fallen asleep. I’m glad. He looks like he needed it. I have a suspicion he was awake the entire time I slept.

I hate myself. I hate myself for bringing this down on him. He just lost Pansy, he almost lost Hannah, and now he’s having to look after me. Make sure something I brought on myself doesn’t kill someone. How am I supposed to tell him I already did.

I can see the man. I think I’ll see him in my dreams, slumped against Fred and George’s. It wasn’t the curse that did it, I know, but I can remember the sound when his head hit the cobblestone. See the blood. Memories of what he did keep coming back, but I see my hands doing it. My body.

This isn’t Thomas. I know that now. I know that that should make me feel better, should make this easier, but it doesn’t. I don’t know if I can fight him off. I have a name now, but I’m afraid to even think it because I don’t know if he’ll hear it. Come back.

I’m not safe. I could hurt those around me. I’m going to hurt them. I’m a risk. If I just give him what he wants they’ll be safe. I don’t… I can’t hurt anyone else. I keep thinking about Mum and I don’t know… would it be so bad? She’d be there. Maybe if he got me, if he had my body, he’d leave them alone? It’s hard. I want to talk to him. Plead with him.

Maybe it’d just be better for everyone if I just let him win.

But looking at Draco sleeping…

 I’m not sure if I want him to.

Work has gone nuts. There's people coming in, hundreds of them. Whole families are coming in, covered with marks and hiccupping. We've had people die, mostly younglings and elderly, but we're at a loss as to what it is. The people in the labaratory are running every test they can think of. They're almost positive it's something highly contageous and has probably mutated to be airborne by now.

There has to be a common denominator between all the people that are sick, but we just can't find it.

Ron's upstairs. So are Lavender and Gideon. They're quarantined and aren't letting me see them. I have an urge to see them, to make sure they're OK, but another part of me would have no idea what to say. The last time I saw Ron we fought. I'm not sure how I'd react if I saw Lavender and actually spoke with her. I didn't like her during school. I didn't like her with Ron during school, and a lingering part of me wants to be angry with her for keeping Mum from knowing she had a grandchild. When I think of that, my chest hurts, and I want to be dreadfully angry at the girl for doing something so selfish.

I'm not pretending to know anything about their situation. I don't. I have no idea who Lavender is now, really. I've been told I have a nephew, but I have no idea who he is, either. It's easier not to think about it now. It's easier not to think about a lot of things now.

The bloody masks they're making us wear are itchy and annoying. I'm not going to wear them anymore. They'll not help, anyway, if it's already airborne like the lab people say. They've passed out flyers and information of the symptoms and we're supposed to watch out for anyone displaying them. But, it seems, everyone is displaying them. It's making life at Mungo's rather hectic. I'm glad they're giving me the night off. I was going to see if Fred wanted to come over for dinner. It's last minute, but I've never known him to pass up food...